Dear Kellogg’s,
I’m writing this letter to express my
disappointment in your company in firing
Michael Phelps as a spokesperson for your products because he was
photographed while enjoying some marijuana. I respectfully would like to
communicate my opinion on this matter because I think it’s of great public
interest. First of all, although it is true that Mr. Phelps broke the law,
I think any reasonably intelligent person would admit that it’s one of the
most fucked up and corrupt laws that we have today in this country.
Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than a
host of other things that are not only legal but also readily available,
like alcohol and prescription drugs. The only reason it remains illegal to
this day is because it’s a plant and you can’t patent it and control it’s
sale, and because if it were legal it would greatly affect the demand for
a host of prescription drugs that rake in billions of dollars each year
for pharmaceutical companies. That’s it. Marijuana has never killed anyone
EVER in over 10,000 years of use. We’re not protecting people from
themselves, we’re not saving the children - it’s just a horribly illogical
law that is in place because of corruption and propaganda. The fact that
it’s against the law is just a disgusting reminder of how retarded our
system is, not a reasonable reaction to a proven threat to society.
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I have to say, this
whole thing saddens me, because I personally would like to think that as
Americans we’re better than this. These television news anchors will shake
their heads at the thoughtless mistake Mr. Phelps had made by “smoking
dope,” and then without even the tiniest sense of irony they will cut to a
beer commercial. This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home
of the brave, right? We’re not supposed to be a nation of little bitches
giving in to the whims of corrupt politicians and the pharmaceutical
companies who’s interests they’re representing. It’s 2009, and in this day
and age with the incredible access to information that we have available
there’s no fucking way that we should be allowing human beings to tell
other human beings that they can’t do something that they enjoy that hurts
no one including themselves. THAT is madness. THAT is ignorant, and THAT
is completely fucking un-American. I don’t want to hear any of that, “he’s
setting a bad example with the children” nonsense either, because we all
know if he had a gin and tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would
never have been an issue, even though every single study ever done has
shown that marijuana is FAR less dangerous than alcohol. Marijuana laws
are a horrible waste of resources and law enforcement, and especially in
this day and age with our economy in such horrible shape I believe the
last thing we need to be doing is wasting tax payers’ money on any of this
victimless bullshit.
I find your reactions to Mr. Phelps situation
both ignorant and short sighted. I think what would have been a far better
response from Kellogg’s would be to support Mr. Phelps, and perhaps point
out that maybe we as a society should take a closer look at the evidence
and possibly reconsider our position on this misunderstood plant that so
many of our productive citizens find useful. Now, I’m sure if you really
were running Kellogg’s and you were still reading my bullshit all the way
down to this, you must be thinking, “Why the hell would we stick our necks
out like that for pot smokers?”
And of course the answer to that question
would be, because we buy your shit, motherfucker. Do you guys even know
your consumer statistics? Well, let me fill you in on some of my own
personal scientific research on the subject, because I have been closely
studying my own purchases for over 20 years, and I can tell you that I’ve
been high 100% of the time I’ve bought your shit. I mean, do you guys ever
think about what you sell? Pop tarts? Are you kidding me? I would be
willing to bet that 50% of the people buying pop tarts are stoned out of
their fucking minds. Just to be perfectly clear on my position, I would
like you to know that I enjoy your products. I think many of them are
quite tasty, but lets be honest; you guys sell sugar-drenched shit that’s
horrible for your body - in fact, it’s actually way worse for your body
than pot - and you market this shit specifically to children. You assholes
go as far as putting lovable cartoon characters on the boxes just so that
kids will beg their parents for it.
Now, I don’t want you to misunderstand my
point, because I in no way want anything bad to happen to your company.
Like I said, I genuinely enjoy your products. There’s nothing quite like
being stoned out of your mind at 2am watching a Chuck Norris movie and
eating a bowl of fruit loops. Your company and its products have been a
part of some very pleasurable moments in guilty eating, and I’m glad
you’re around. All I’m saying is that it’s high time (no pun intended)
that you motherfuckers respect the stoner dollar. There’s WAY more of us
than you might think, and we tend to get upset about dumb shit like this.
There are millions of us, and if we decide that we don’t like a company,
they’re going to feel it. I think if you looked into it carefully, you
would be surprised at how many undercover potheads there are out there.
Pot smokers don’t all fit into the obvious, negative stereotypes; we come
in all shapes and forms - including by the way, the form of the greatest
fucking swimmer who ever lived, EVER. Think about THAT shit for a second..
So in closing, I would like to ask you nice folks to please smarten the
fuck up. I would request that you check the calendar and note that it’s
2000 and fucking 9, and next time you think about getting all uppity about
pot you might want to do a quick google search on the facts.
It’s 4:40am here in LA, and I’m going to wrap
up this blog and to celebrate its completion I’m going to enjoy one of my
personal favorite Kellogg’s products: Eggo waffles. I’m gonna pop 4 of
them bitches into the toaster, and then I’m gonna stuff the bong with some
fine, American grown “Train Wreck” and sacrifice the sacred plant to the
fire gods in tribute to the unjustly persecuted 8 time Olympian hero. Then
I’m gonna get some butter, and I’m gonna smear it on those Eggos, I’m
gonna cover them with maple syrup, and I’m going to eat the ever loving
fuck out of them. Good day, sirs.
Yours truly,
Joe Rogan. |
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